we meet again LiveJournal
after over a year of not posting an entry i think its time to have a one night stand with you. i mean its not that you dont give me what i want, its just afterwards i realize that you are kinda bitchy. one of those know-everything know-nothing dead-end relationships. but for tonight its stupid whiny indulgence. hot.
so after tonight i really started to reflect on how ive changed, maybe just superficially, but i think i have. either im losing any kind of personality (which scares me), becoming a wet blanket (scares me), or getting old (scares me ALOT more than it should, its stupid).
i have realized i dont really like parties.
i hate hanging around a bunch of drunk people i probably wouldnt like sober. also it was probably a bad idea to go to one already in a blasé mood, but i think i wanted to do SOMETHING. i like hanging out with friends, i like meeting people one on one, i like watching movies, i even like going out for a drink. i DONT like everyone crowded together screaming and playing the "pay attention to ME!" game. i also DONT like getting into a car with a drunk driver to go skinning dipping when its 42 degrees outside. sorry if that makes me a killjoy.
im sure it would have been better if i was plastered. i probably would have gotten in the car then too. done it many times before. but ive kinda been against heavy drinking and any drugging for myself this year, for kinda those reasons. surprise surprise drinking heavily gives you poor judgement. and its these realizations and desire to change that, that makes me think i might actually be growing old and boring. i like to drink to relax, stop thinking, and get me talking, but i also know enough about myself to know if im in a bad situation when i do it, its going to turn out badly. its the same way with psychedelics, i do it for the experience, and if im in a bad setting its not going to be fun or new at all. and right now in my life, not much is a good setting.
i want those crazy let everything go kinda nights to at least be original or maybe occasionally MEAN something. its probably me just going nuts over not having an outlet for creativity or something. i havent drawn anything in forever, and i really miss it, and am also scared and ashamed of it.
i know this makes me sound like an asshole elitist "you all are stupid drunks that annoy the crap out of me" but to be honest thats kinda how ive felt for a while about most people (also scares me). im probably just bitter.
shit i still need to do to get my act together: i need to stop putting myself in situations like that. i shouldnt have gone to the party, it was overall a pretty bad decision. it started alright, i smiled, and i had fun hiding in the basement watching six feet under with caela who also wasnt in the mood for a party. but the end really soured the whole thing for everyone.
work harder on making myself happy again
find people who dont suck
convince them to be my friend
go out and make shit happen
well there you go LJ,
lets do this again sometime.
oh and dont call me, ill call you.