Happy Birthday Mom!
Today i just barely remembered it was my mother's birthday. So i called her in the night, she was up still studying Freudian psychology. This is her last birthday actually, according to her, because she turned 39 and she refuses to turn 40 so she is cancelling all the other birthdays so that she is forever 39. That is as high as she is going. Ever.
Furthermore i found out that at her birthday dinner tonight she placed pictures of me at one of the seats and pretended i was there, like talked to me and such. I love my crazy as hell mom. In just over 18 years i will have caught up to her age (as she will still be 39) and i can only hope i am just as crazy and awesome as her.
Love you mom from your eldest and favourite abortion!
So its been a while since i updated, im not too good at this "journal" thing.
Lets see what i've been up to:
Classes are going well, i guess, no problems just stressed about money and supplies but Business Affairs said i should be getting money tomorrow. I met one of the most fucktastic people in the world. All by coincidence. Been hanging out with him mostly. It's been awesome. Went to the Castle in Tampa the other night, I hate clubs and i liked this one, actually GOOD music, really cool people, cheap price. The Senator rocks my face off! Been a little sick the last couple of days. Feeling better now though. And now something is living in my room, i'm somewhat scared of it. He keeps moving things and stealing my food. I really hope its a turtle i can teach to eat children. That would make my day...or maybe a panda.........or midgets...mmmmmm midgetttttssssss.
So yeah, I've actually been in one of the best moods i have ever been in for a VERY long time. For once things are actually going well and im not all angsty anymore. Just been having fun and hanging out with the best people in the world.
i'm such a rebel
thanks caela for this test now im gonna go be a rebel and fight the machine
You know what its all about...?
Fucking weird as hell dreams that actually make me wake up from two hours of sleep thinking that my throat is bleeding on me. Im not going to narrate it for you, though i did write the whole thing down as soon as i woke up. Because, one, it was really actually pretty intense and i wanted to remember it. And two, i prolly wouldn't be able to go to bed right away anyways. All in all it was a pretty cool dream. Suffice to say it included a dark-haired boy (that i think i made up), moving into school, yelling at a friend of mine, making up with a friend of mine, bleach, bathrooms, ritual suicide, really really good indy music (i wish i could play or write music, so i could have kept it), a single hotel window from the outside at night, me narrating myself, god stealing quarters, intense VERY vivid pain, hallucinations, and flushing the toilet. Oh and the dream actually continued after i died, so yes you can die in your dream and NOT wake up from it immediately. Though it hurts alot.
I'll let you fill in the details, and no its not chronological to the list i wrote, i wouldn't make it that easy for you. But you can play Mad Libs with it for a fun adventure here is an example "They thought that the earth was the center of the entire ritual suicide and that the sun and all of the quarters revolved around it." See, fun time had by all.
Suffice to say, cool dream. Wish i had that music. Now i'm taking a nap.
Fun times tonight hanging with the homies! Patrick, Jake, Gilby, Shang, Sophie, and I hung out tonight. First we drove around the town for a bit, just wandering, thinking of something to do. Followed a Domino's car for a bit, then decided to go down to the waterfront. At the waterfront we wandered around catching up with each other and then we decided to sneak into the Freezerburn property, which is this abandoned shipyard. We fucked around for a bit and then decided to walk back and go to Waterfront Video, since we found out it wont be there when we get back from school. It was bought by the city for some city project. That makes me really sad, it is the coolest video store EVER tons of obscure movies and just really cool people. Independantly owned which is always a plus. So we rented Series 7 (my choice, awesome movie that i need to buy on DVD, its about a "reality TV" show where you have to literally kill the other contestants. A pregnant woman is the returning champion. Such a great offbeat comedy.) and we also rented Trekkies II which was Gilby's choice, also hilarious. We all went to my house to watch it, grabbed food and hung out. My friends didn't leave til 4:30 in the morning. Just a really fun night in general, good times had by all!
Had a fun day hanging with Monkeigh and then Napoleon Dynamite party!
Other than that, mostly uneventful.
Tomorrow is New Years and it is gonna be GOOD!
Wine, Beer, and Women all the way! ^^
So its 3:30am and im still wide-awake, lonely, and angsty. It's cold and silent outside, which i think is making me feel even more lonely because its perfect weather for cuddling. I miss that most of all. Its too cold for anything else.
I just realized how absolutely silent it is right now. Like nothing is alive, or even exists. There is only one streetlight that breaks through my curtain. I used to love moments like this, which is why through early highschool i would frequently wake up at 3:30am to get my work done. Because it would be deathly silent. No distractions but your own thoughts. Though now i have nothing to think about besides reflection and anticipation.
I'm pretty content with my life right now, actually. Or at least i think i am. Happiest i've been in a while. At least more stable, for better or worse. I certainly wasn't stable through most of my relationship with Billy. Almost two years, and i think the whole time i was simply worried about the inevitable. And, yeah, sure it came. The relationship ended. I was right. But i really hoped for once i wasn't. Or at least i wish i could have enjoyed it wholly without ever worrying about problems, even problems before they happened. I wish i could just tell my brain to shut the fuck up and enjoy what i have for once.
Its really hard for me to know exactly how i felt about things when i look back on them now. It's because i over-analyze things i think. Because i know that my memories are swayed by my emotions at the moment. So what was once a happy memory i can convince myself wasn't, that i was just faking it, i wasn't "truly happy" only settling. And i do the opposite as well. Convince myself i was happy when i wasn't. Like now looking back on my memories with Billy, with the relationship now over, and the weird experiences i had with seeing him over break, i can already feel myself re-evaluating and re-interpretting all my memories of our relationship and believing that most of them i was settling and not happy. Simply because how i see him now its hard for me to imagine that i COULD be made to feel truly happy by him. I mean he is an awesome guy. But i don't think he could make me as happy as i thought. But thats where emotion and current perspective fucks with your brain and your memories. In a few years i'll look back and be able to give an "objective" opinion of how i was during our relationship. But im not sure if i really will, i think its more likely that i will be just entirely convinced beyond a doubt one way or another. I will be so conditioned by myself i wont even think there will be another way.
Right now i certainly feel that in many ways i settled with Billy and he was not perfect for me and i knew that going into the relationship. But he was the best person i knew. My best option. And i think, perhaps, that is a part of my problem right now. I'm afraid to pick anything but the best now, because if its not the best "why bother?". Billy and i did not end well, we are fine now, but definitely did not end well, and so i might be afraid that if i don't pick someone who is a perfect match, if i compromise at all, then i will only repeat the same mistakes. Even if i believe that, which i don't, it sure as hell doesn't make it any easier.
I just sincerely wish i could find a cute dork like me.
This is a such nice night for crazy making.
Micaela signed me up to LiveJournal because she wanted me to read her posts more often.
We saw Life Aquatic which was good, not great, but good. I liked it. It was weird.
I got my hair cut. I'll wait a day to pass judgements. Though it sure FEELS better. Yes hair has feelings.
I got two new belts and a pair of pants from Urban Outfitters.
I now also have a VOTE FOR PEDRO button. It makes me smile and others look at me questioningly. Which also makes me smile. And then there are those who HAVE seen Napoleon Dynamite. And in that case THEY give me knowing smiles.
Got Napoleon Dynamite, which is of course a good time had by all.
I also got other fun buttons that rock my socks.
Season 3 of Aqua Teen Hunger Force pleases me in a way that no animated show should be able. And it is now all mine.
Saw Ocean's Eleven, so now Ocean's Twelve makes a little more sense.
Watched French & Saunders with my lesbian lover. If you haven't seen it, they do the best Bjork spoof EVER. Hands down. See it. Love it. Same goes for my Micaela.
Had some Indian food at Shalimar, the owner still remembers me and my usual order which really makes you feel at home. Honestly that is one of the best things that could happen to me to make this city feel like mine. God I love that Indian woman. Some day you shall be mine you curry flavoured tart!
Wrote my first LiveJournal post EVER. First one doesn't count because Micaela wrote it.
Other than that, looking back, Christmas was surprisingly good and uneventful which is REALLY good for a Holiday with my family. Damn crazies all of them. Wouldn't rather be raised by any others.
Tue, Dec. 28th, 2004, 03:01 pm
i am dylan
i am an art kid
i am uber emo now that i live in fla
i am a gaybee
i am playing video games
i am listenign to modest mouse
i am ignoring micaela
i am fat